By Catherine Andrews, Alberta Legal Coach
Realizing your marriage or relationship is over and that you intend to separate is never an easy decision, but it becomes significantly harder when there has been violence, or you believe there is a risk of violence. It may be that domestic violence is the reason for the separation, or maybe you just don’t know how your former partner will react when they find out your intention to leave. Separation comes with a lot of unknowns, and it can be difficult to predict the behaviour of your partner. Intimate Partner Violence, or IPV, is a growing concern in Canadian society. Shocking statistics and research have shown that in an intimate partner or spousal relationship, one of the biggest risk factors is a breakup or a separation. In 2019, more Canadians experienced domestic violence after leaving a relationship than while they were still in it.
Given this, how can people take steps to protect themselves when facing the risk of violence during or after a separation? One of the best steps you can take is to create a safety plan for if and when you decide to end the relationship.
What is a Safety Plan?
A safety plan, or emergency escape plan, is exactly that: a plan that prepares for your exit from the family home, should you suddenly need to leave a violent situation. There are many types of safety plans, and they should be personalized based on each individual’s circumstances, the type of violence they may be fleeing, and the nature of the abuser.
It's generally best not to write down your safety plan, or at least ensure it isn’t accessible to your abuser. Should an abuser find your safety plan, they may confront you about it, inflict violence upon you, or even pretend that they are unaware of its existence only to catch you when you try to implement it. It’s often a good idea to write down your safety plan, memorize it, and revise it as needed. Afterward, either destroy the written plan or give a copy to a trusted family member or friend for safekeeping, so they can assist you if necessary.
Preparing to Leave
As part of your safety plan, preparing to leave an abusive relationship requires careful thought and planning. This involves both immediate safety measures and practical steps to ensure your long-term security once you've left. The following sections outline key considerations to help guide your planning:
Emergency Pack
A safety pack, or emergency pack, is a physical kit that contains the important items you will need when you to leave. Like the safety plan, it is important to keep the safety pack hidden from an abuser, so consider leaving it with a trusted friend or family member for safekeeping. Some items may need to be added to your safety pack on the day that you leave, for example passports/ID. However, in the event of emergency it’s important to remember that you can always obtain new copies of ID or return to the home at a later time to obtain these items.
So, what should you include in your emergency pack? Below is a list of essential items to consider:
- Passports, birth certificates, first nation status cards, permanent resident card, or any other government issued photo identification.
- Driver’s license, vehicle insurance papers, and vehicle registration.
- Social insurance cards.
- Provincial health card, as well as any extended benefit or drug plan cards.
- Marriage license or divorce documents.
- Immigration documents, work permits, and visas.
- Copies of any court orders, including any emergency protection or restraining orders.
- Personal electronic devices and chargers, such as laptops, tablets, or cellphones.
- Extra sets of keys.
- Photograph of abuser for identification purposes.
- Tax documents, including annual income tax returns and notices of assessment.
- Extra clothing.
- Basic toiletries and sanitary items.
- Medication and prescriptions.
- Hearing aids
- Glasses or contacts.
- Cash, credit and debit cards, and cheque books.
- Irreplaceable small valuable items, such as photos or jewellery.
- Other small valuable items that can be sold for money, if necessary.
Where to stay
Figuring out where to stay after leaving an abusive situation is not easy. This is particularly true in cases where the abuser has isolated the victim financially, socially and emotionally. Some options include:
- Staying with family, friends, or coworkers - it’s a good idea to set this expectation in advance so they know you may need to stay with them at some point in the future.
- Local shelters.
- Contacting a spiritual or community leader to see if they can offer shelter.
- Staying in a hotel or Airbnb.
Children
If you have children, they may also be impacted by family violence or be subject to a lengthy custody battle during your separation. Even if your abuser doesn’t abuse the children directly, the Supreme Court of Canada has recognized that “the suggestion that domestic abuse or family violence has no impact on the children and has nothing to do with the perpetrator’s parenting ability is untenable. Research indicates that children who are exposed to family violence are at risk of emotional and behavioural problems throughout their lives” (Barendregt v Grebliunas, 2022 SCC 22).
When leaving the home, it is always best to take the children with you to prevent the risk of the abuser retaliating against them. Although, legally speaking, your former partner may be found to have certain decision-making and parenting rights with the children, your children’s immediate safety is paramount and these legal decisions can be negotiated and decided later, once all parties are physically safe and you have had the opportunity to consult with a legal professional.
Remember that law enforcement can only enforce parenting arrangements if there is a valid court order permitting them to do so.
Pets
If you have pets, they may also be subject to violence at the hands of an abuser or be used for tactical purposes to try and hurt you. Although pets are technically considered property under Alberta law, their rights as living beings and their emotional value cannot be overlooked. Consider including in your safety/emergency pack the things you will need to feed and care for your pet. If possible, take them with you when you go. Alternatively, you may arrange for a friend to care for your pet in the short term, while a more permanent living situation is arranged.
Documents to Copy
Some documentation may not be essential for your safety pack, but you’ll want to ensure it’s kept safe and not destroyed by the abuser. It’s common for abusers to retaliate by destroying personal property and documents after their partner leaves the relationship. To help protect against this, make copies or take photographs of important documents, such as:
- School and education records.
- Bank books, pension information, investment statements.
- Lease and rental agreements, house deed, and mortgage documents.
- Medical documents, including vaccination records.
- Income assistance documentation.
Financial Considerations
A primary consideration when leaving an abusive relationship is how it will affect your finances.
Many abusers control their partner financially by forcing them to hand over their earnings, insisting on joint bank and investment accounts to monitor spending, or controlling all finances while giving their partner only a small allowance.
If possible, it’s a good idea to have at least one bank account held solely in your name that’s kept secret from your abuser. This account can be used to build up your savings to help you get by after you leave. If you are employed, one strategy is to transfer money straight into this account from your earnings so that the abuser is not aware of its existence. It may be worth speaking to your employer so they can either cut you a cheque or pay you in another way. Another option is to have cash that only you are aware of. It may even be worth speaking to a financial advisor at your local bank to discuss freezing joint accounts post-separation, so your abuser cannot unilaterally withdraw joint funds when you leave the relationship.
Legal
Abusers often use various tactics to maintain control, even after their physical control has ended. One common way this can occur is through legal or litigation abuse. An abuser may repeatedly take you to court in an attempt to exhaust your financial resources, manipulate you, or wear you down until you agree to an unfavourable settlement. It is important to remember that legal resources are available, and courts are becomingly increasingly aware of litigation abuse as a means to control and harass a former partner.
If you have already consulted with and are working with a legal professional prior to physically separating, speak with them about timing any correspondence that they may send to your abuser. For example, if you plan to be out of the house by 3 p.m., inform and confirm with your legal professional that their correspondence should be sent no earlier than that, to try and prevent any violence that may occur upon the abuser receiving initial legal correspondence that angers them.
For more information regarding litigation abuse, check out Responding to Domestic Violence in Family Law, Civil Protection & Child Protection Cases by Linda C. Neilson.
If You Don’t Feel Ready to Leave
There should be no judgement if you aren’t ready to leave, or if you wish to stay with someone who has been abusive. There are many reasons why someone would choose to remain, including but not limited to finances, cultural or religious beliefs, societal norms, or family and community pressure.
If you choose to remain in the relationship, here are some things to consider:
- Does the abuser have access to any weapons? Are there any weapons in the house?
- Do you have copies of important documents in a safe place – either physical or electronic?
- Are other people aware of your situation? This can include family members, friends, coworkers, neighbours, community leaders, school or daycare personnel, medical professionals or counsellors. In case of emergency, are you able to contact them or signal to them to call the police?
- Do you know how to protect yourself if being physically attacked? If children are involved, do they know how to protect themselves?
- Is there a safe place in the home you can potentially escape to if needed? Consider checking out this resource on how to lock a door without a lock.
- Can the abuser track your location? Consider turning off the GPS on your phone and checking to make sure your vehicle does not have any trackers on it.
- Have you worked out your safety plan? If you have children, have you rehearsed that safety plan with them?
Violence Doesn’t End with the Victim Leaving
It is important to understand that the risk of violence doesn’t end with you leaving the house. If an abuser knows where you went, they may attempt to:
- Follow you or track you down.
- Threaten to hurt others if you don’t return.
- Threaten to or actually destroy your property.
- Or, use legal or financial tactics to try and leave you exhausted and vulnerable.
You are not alone. Many professionals from various fields - law enforcement, legal professionals, community leaders, social workers, counsellors or therapists, and medical professionals – are available and equipped to assist you.
If you need support, consider the below resources in your community. Be sure to save documents or websites in a secure, confidential place on your computer or phone, so you can refer to them when needed:
In Alberta:
- For specialized family violence assistance, contact Calgary Legal Guidance online or at 403.234.9266.
- Sageese offers free peer support groups, a comprehensive resource hub, and community supports to empower victims and survivors.
- Review the Government of Alberta’s article Strategies for Safety, which includes additional resources and information on safety planning for people experiencing domestic violence.
In British Columbia:
- Rise Women’s Legal Centre provides free family law services to women and gender diverse individuals in BC who are experiencing family violence. Visit them online or call at 604-451-7447.
- The Government of BC’s article Creating a Safety Plan contains valuable resources and guidance to help with safety planning.
Community Legal Education Ontario also has a checklist to assist individuals in creating a safety plan.
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence, remember that you are not alone - support is within reach. The legal coaches at Coach My Case are experienced, trauma-informed professionals who understand the complexities around separation and family violence. Your safety and wellbeing are our top priority. Contact us today for a free 20-minute consultation with one of our legal coaches.
