Written by Camille Boyer, Senior Family Lawyer at Crossroads Law, Calgary
Parenting is a journey filled with highs, lows, and unexpected twists and turns. When co-parenting with an ex-spouse, clear and consistent communication is essential for managing shared responsibilities and maintaining mutual respect. It is the cornerstone of a successful co-parenting relationship and ensures that children feel secure, loved, and supported. As co-parents, the path is seldom smooth — different parenting styles and emotional hurdles from the past can make it hard to talk to each other effectively. Recognizing these challenges is the first step toward overcoming them. In this blog post, we'll explore practical strategies, valuable resources, and some tech-savvy tools to help you and your ex-spouse navigate the delicate art of co-parenting communication.
Communication Strategies for Co-Parenting
The following are key concepts and strategies to implement when working on improving communication with your ex-spouse:
1. The BIFF response – an approach developed by Bill Eddy, the BIFF acronym is a helpful tool when communicating with your ex-spouse. It is designed to help reduce conflict and keep the focus on the children:
- Brief – encourage brevity in communication and avoid unnecessary details.
- Informative - share only necessary or pertinent information and focus the information you provide on the children and their needs.
- Friendly - maintain a positive and cordial tone and avoid unnecessary confrontations or inflammatory comments.
- Firm - be clear and assertive when needed. Set firm boundaries.
2. Active listening - communication is a two-way street. Practice active listening by fully engaging in the conversation, validating your ex-spouse's perspective, and responding thoughtfully. This fosters an environment of mutual respect, as oftentimes conflictual communication arises out of not feeling “heard” or feeling like the other person does not understand. The simple act of validating the other’s perspective and showing them you are listening can make a world of difference.
3. Use “I” statements - express your feelings and needs using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say "I feel concerned when..." instead of "You always...", or try starting with “I feel”, “I need”, or “I would appreciate”.
4. Create a communication plan - clearly define boundaries and expectations for communication. Establishing ground rules can prevent misunderstandings and maintain a healthy co-parenting dynamic. Boundaries can include defining the communication channels you will use and the topics or frequency in which you communicate. For example, you may decide that you do not want to be receiving or sending text messages unless it is urgent or time-sensitive, preferring instead to receive those communications via email. You may also decide that you do not want to be receiving more than one per day, and that you will not engage with your ex on topics that stray outside of parenting matters.
Tips for Effective Co-Parenting Communication
To help you strengthen your communication and co-parenting relationship, consider:
- Parenting courses - look for programs that offer insights into effective communication, co-parenting dynamics, and teach practical skills for navigating challenges. In Alberta, and for those filing for a divorce or family law application in the Court of King’s Bench, the Parenting After Separation (PAS) course is mandatory – though you can also take it voluntarily. For parents experiencing more intense, prolonged conflict, there is also a high-conflict version of the course (PAS-HC), available to those who have completed PAS.
- High-conflict person communication strategies - dealing with a high-conflict ex-spouse requires specialized communication strategies. Explore resources or seek guidance from professionals who are experienced and trained in managing high-conflict situations.
- Recommended Books - Several books provide valuable insights into co-parenting communication. "Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex" by Amy J.L. Baker and Paul R. Fine is a recommended read for navigating challenging co-parenting relationships.
Tech Tools for Co-Parenting Communication
In this modern world, communication has never been so efficient and manageable. There are a few applications available for separated parents to help streamline and organize communication:
1. 2 Houses - this app is designed specifically for co-parenting communication to help streamline and organize communication. It features:
- Shared calendar for scheduling.
- Expense tracking.
- Messaging platform.
2. Our Family Wizard - another popular app, Our Family Wizard, offers:
- Shared calendar for scheduling.
- Expense tracking.
- Messaging platform.
- Secure storage for important documents.
When Intervention is Necessary
In some cases, despite one or both parties’ best efforts, the communication remains high conflict and ineffective. It may be necessary to seek third-party intervention to ensure that appropriate parameters are put in place. This might include:
- Consulting with a family lawyer - if communication issues escalate to a point where legal intervention is necessary, consult with a family lawyer. They can provide guidance on whether court intervention is required and what steps to take.
- Court-imposed communication guidelines - in some cases, a judge may impose communication guidelines to ensure the well-being of the children. Legal professionals can guide you through this process.
- Mediation services - mediation can be a valuable resource for resolving communication disputes. A neutral third-party can facilitate these discussions and help establish and implement effective communication strategies. For more information on the mediation process, visit our sister firm, Crossroads Law’s webpage on Mediation.
- Parenting coordination - this service is often utilized when parents face difficulties in making joint decisions or when high-conflict communication becomes a persistent issue. A parenting coordinator serves multiple roles — as an educator to inform parents about child development and effective parenting strategies, as a mediator to help resolve disputes amicably, and, if necessary, as an arbitrator with the authority to make binding decisions on certain issues. This integrated approach aims to foster a healthier co-parenting relationship, always with the children's best interests at heart.
Co-parenting with an ex-spouse presents its share of challenges, but effective communication can turn those challenges into opportunities for growth and collaboration. By employing practical strategies, utilizing resources, and leveraging technology, you can create a co-parenting dynamic that prioritizes the well-being of your children. Remember, the journey may be tough, but the destination—a harmonious and loving environment for your children—is worth every effort.
If navigating this path feels overwhelming, remember you don't have to do it alone. Whether you're facing communication hurdles, looking for effective strategies, or are in need of intervention, our team at Coach My Case is here to provide support. Our legal coaches can offer guidance and coaching to empower you in creating a positive co-parenting environment. We understand the intricacies of co-parenting and are equipped with the tools to help you focus on what truly matters—your children's well-being. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation today, and let's work together to transform co-parenting challenges into opportunities for harmonious collaboration.
